Beautifully Broken
by girlwithgauges
Summary: Axel x Roxas. A murder? A cover-up? Axel has a secret. And he'll go to insane lengths to cover it up. To keep Roxas safe. But what if Roxas isn't safe with Axel at all? What if he's in danger of himself? Self harm/suicidal themes
1. Prolouge

_Axel_

The hooded figure approached the table with unease; he gave off a nervous vibe, looking around with almost scared eyes. When he had finished checking out the restaurant, making sure it was empty, he sat down and locked eyes with the petite figure sitting in front of him. A hint of black, barely visible under the figure's grey hoodie, confirmed that this was who he was looking for. She was sitting at the table with her hands holding a coffee cup- her hands were nimble and delicate, a thick coating of black nail polish covering her long nails. Her fingers rhythmically drummed the side of the cup, showing off a hint of impatience. When he sat down, she pulled back her hood, showing short black hair, that finished around her chin. Not many people could pull it off, but he had to admit, she made it look sexy. Her deep blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight, her face bearing a fierce but playful expression.

Their last meeting had him outraged and in despair, as she hasn't been able to come up with anything new with the boy. No new leads. Not even a fucking _hotel booking._ If she had come back with no news to report, then he would not be happy. They needed to find him, and fast. Before...

The girl looked up and locked eyes with him, a slight smile playing at her lips.

"What have you found? And you better have something decent." He growled, banging his fists loudly on the wooden table. The blonde waitress sitting out of earshot of them just cocked an eyebrow up at him, as he arrogantly waved his hand as an half-assed apology.

"Now now, patience you." She spoke seductively, crossing her arms with a sly smile on her lips.

"I have no time for _fucking _patience." He lent over the table, glaring intensely at her. She just waved him off rolling her eyes. It was obvious that she was one of the few that wasn't fazed by this side of him; she'd known him too long for that. Plus, she wasn't afraid of anything- her small, petite arms could easily break his arm if she wanted to, and he knew it.

"Yes, you do. Unless you have somewhere to be..?" The smile emerged from her yet again. They temper on this boy was _so_ easy to arise. "Roxas hardly emerges from his room, am I right? So.. why would you be in a hurry?"

He just sighed and clenched his fists, putting his head down in defeat. When the big-breasted-and-she-knew-it waitress came over and oogled him, he just looked away and ordered a coffee. He needed something to perk him up; the bags under his eyes was showing more than normal.

"He's covering up his tracks. Very skilfully. I have a slight feeling he's not alone." The girl spoke, finally making him interested. _Not alone? _Who was that fucker working with?

Her cerulean eyes showed flecks of hope, and sadness as she took a sip of her coffee.

He looked up, his mossy green eyes staring into hers. "So are you just telling me that all hope is lost then? What the fuck, Xion?!" He made sure to lower his voice when he said her name, but she shushed him anyway, her mouth pulled into a straight line.

"No, I'm not.

Axel, I think we may be close to finding Sora. Very close."


	2. Lost

_Roxas_

_His eyes were glowing blue, like they did whenever he genuinely smiled. He was laughing, but at what Roxas didn't know. It made him happy that he was happy, though. The blonde could feel himself smiling back at the boy, and his lips were moving, but he didn't know what he was saying to the boy sitting opposite him. He couldn't hear himself; he couldn't hear anything. __Everything was eerily silent. He could feel that something was wrong._

_The boy's brown hair was striking, mesmerising, the one thing that could tell the two twins apart. It seemed to glow unnaturally._

_Then Roxas noticed a twinge. Almost like his head slightly cocked to the side every few seconds. It kept going farther and farther, and he tried to reach out to see if his brother was okay. His head was twisting around... this.. isn't right..._

_But he was frozen to the spot. The boy tried to move, to say or do anything but any attempts were futile. Roxas just watched until he heard, clear and sharp, a bang._

_Then he burst. The brunette literally exploded on the spot. _

_All the blonde could see was thick, crimson blood. Coating everything. His hands were drenched; he was scratching, trying to get it off, but the blood clung to him. Oh god, he was drowning in all the blood. The blood..._

Roxas woke up screaming his lungs out, scratching his arms ferociously. They burnt, like they were on fire, and that was what seemed to wake him fully from his nightmare. The screams turned to sobs when he realised where he was, lying in his bed. His familiar, homely bed. He wasn't covered with his brothers blood...

But he was slightly covered in his own.

The insistent scratching he was inflicting on his arms seemed to have reopened the parallel cuts on them, and they were slowly weeping, small trails of blood running down his arms at a steady pace. Some of the scabs were old, and some fairly new, but they were all now one _big bloody mess. _Just like Roxas was. If Sora knew what Roxas was doing to himself- if _Axel _knew.. All hell would break loose. That's why nobody could find out, about the pain Roxas was in. Both physically and mentally. They might _leave him.. _Even though all he really had was Axel to lose, that made it even worse.

The scratching had spread the blood all over his, so when he looked down to study it, all he could see was red, which nearly made him scream again at the thought of the dream. The blood.

It all felt so real.

Faint thuds seemed to be coming from the stairs, making the blonde jump; in a panicked state he grabbed a jumper and pulled it on before his roommate, Axel, came bursting into the bedroom. He was breathing heavily, with a worried look on his face, but it faded to sadness when he registered Roxas' face. He didn't realise he was still crying until the red-head came over and wiped his cheeks, pulling him into a hug. The younger boy frowned, pushing him away lightly. His arms were stinging, and he couldn't risk the chance of Axel seeing blood.

"Dreams again?" He gave him a slight sympathetic smile, kneeling down next to him. Axel's eyes were filled with an emotion that Roxas couldn't even recognise, but he really couldn't give a shit right now. The image of his brothers face was still haunting his mind, making him feel disorientated. The bright blue eyes were still swimming across his vision...

After awhile he just sighed, giving him a clear answer. Roxas never wanted to talk about his dreams, which was understandable. The only dreams he really had was about Sora.. But even if he tried, he couldn't find the words to. He didn't save him.. He _could've _saved him...

But he didn't.

And every day, the guilt was too much for him to bear.

Putting his hands over his face, he groaned and fell back into the solitude of the bed, which received a chuckle from the redhead.

"Come on, get up and get some breakfast. I've decided we need to do something more productive than lying in bed all day. Well," he sauntered over to the door, pointing a finger at Roxas, "more you actually, as I do work for a living. You don't even see the light of day." The redhead lectured before walking out, leaving the blonde alone with his misery.

_x_

Half an hour later, a zombie-looking version of Roxas was mentally thinking of some very _inappropriate _words for Axel as they were standing inside the local supermarket. Axel was chucking various things into the trolley, while Roxas was just.. being himself. _Lazy ass Roxas._

Well, who would really have motivation for life when their twin brother was shot right in front of their eyes?

He shook the thought off as easily as it came. No need to make the day any more depressing than it already was. Right now he would rather be in bed, sleeping all his problems away. But a _certain_ person would not let him wither away- something Roxas was slightly glad of.

No matter what happened, Axel would always be there to cheer him up. Countless times he would cry, for hours, and Axel'd just sit with him, doing his best to comfort the boy in his time of need. Thinking back to when they met; he would have never even guessed they would've been roommates three years later.

_Roxas looked up from daydreaming on his desk to see a pretty attractive red-head walk over to his table. He must have been new, as Roxas knew he'd never laid eyes on him before. _

_He could have spaced out and not realised a new guy had joined- people came and went- he couldn't care less. That was what this town was like. Boring Twilight Town._

_Well, back to the new guy. He had blazing emerald eyes that seemed to be almost hypnotic, deep and enticing. The black teardrop tattoos under his eyes were interesting... They showed off his high cheekbones, made him look twenty, and not Roxas' age._

_He seemed cocky though. Too full of himself. The way he admired the girl's breasts next to them showed he definitely _didn't _root for the same team Roxas did. Not that he made it obvious, so maybe the new guy didn't either?_

_'Hey, maybe he's bi.' Roxas__ pushed the unwanted thought away from his head as soon as it appeared. no. How stupid..._

_The first thought that came to the blonde's mind then, when they locked eyes, was that he was dangerous.. _

_After three hours of Hell- ahem, English- Axel (that was his name. Definitely__ suited the mysterious vibe..) decided to tag along with Roxas, be his bestie and, quote, 'know all of his secrets'. He didn't seem to be as dangerous as Roxas initially thought, but he _was_ cocky. No doubt about that._

_"So, are you in the closet or out?" Axel smirked. Roxas replied, completely giving it away, with a furious blush and a shake of his head. Axel just laughed again, taking a bite out of his sandwich._

_"You don't fool me, Rox. I see the way you watch the football team." _

_Before he could protest, the redhead cut him off, receiving a scowl. _

_"Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. I understand how the judgemental pricks act when they find out" Axel smiled at him, laying down on the benches they were sitting on. Roxas cocked his eyebrow up at the redhead, causing him to laugh again. _

_"You..?" _

_"Yes. I play for both teams." He winked, causing Roxas to blush. "I've got nothing to hide, Roxie. I can stand up for myself perfectly." He popped the 'p' at the end. I-It's not like he hid it... But he didn't really show it, either.. Maybe nobody did know, or maybe they didn't care._

_"And that also means you can check out my fineeee body and I wont care. I've already seen you doing it, by the way. Its cute." _

_Roxas blushed, again. Fucking hell, was being friends with Axel going to be this irritating? Where's the 'decline' button? _

_"You? As if!" He teased, resting his head against the back of the wall. Closing his eyes he basked in the relaxing light of the sun._

_"Huh. Hey, the football team are running again. That excite youuu?" Axel teased, as Roxas opened his eyes and lightly hit his shoulder, smiling. Either it was going to be the start of a great friendship, or a very _annoying _one._

Roxas was snapped, very abruptly, out of his reminiscing by the exact same redhead throwing an apple at his head.

_Definitely an annoying one._

"While you were daydreaming about my luscious asssss, _I _finished all of the shopping. Although, my ass is pretty distracting, isn't it Roxie?" Axel waggled a eyebrow at him, making a slight blush rise to his cheeks. Years later, and he still was blushing like a mad, hormonal girl.

"Fuck you, Axel. Lets just go home." Roxas growled, irritated.

"Oh, someone's pissed off this morning." He frowned, as they went to a till to pay.

He knew he was being 'pissy'.

But...

Out of nowhere, a flash of brown caught his eyes. _Well, more like a flash of brown hair.._

Just as soon as the person, with unmistakeable brown hair, had stopped and stared, he was gone, but the blue eyes swam in Roxas' vision. The same blue eyes that _always _tainted his dreams.

It was only just a glimpse, but.. It looked just like..

_Sora._

Before he knew it, Roxas was on the floor, gasping for breaths but no air would enter his lungs. He could feel the hot tears running down his face, and was aware of _somebody_ shaking him, trying to calm him down, but he felt disorientated, and very, very, _trapped. _It didn't take him long to realise he was having a panic attack... Of all the fucking places, it had to happen _there._

He'd experienced panic attacks a couple of times since Sora died, normally triggered because he thought he saw his brother. He always realised it was something else, but the second of believing that he was alive, sent him over the edge. The panic was never this bad though...

He _must _be seeing things.

That _couldn't..._

_But it looked JUST like..._

_Fucking... no..._

_"_I.. need to get away._." _he managed to stutter out, forcing himself to stand up. Roxas was violently shaking, but he didn't care, he just needed some _air._

So he ran. Roxas was in his own body, obviously, but he wasn't at the same time. Like his body was moving and his brain was trying to catch up. The tears still ran down his face, and soon after he began sobbing, not caring how loud he was being.

He could hear voices, familiar voices - maybe Axel? He couldn't make out what he was saying.. but they all swam around his ears and transformed into one, clear word.

_Sora._

He _can't_ get away from him, his face, the memory, the blood, oh god, the blood, that haunted nearly every dream that Roxas dreamt..

The boy didn't know where he was going, but it was somewhere. Anywhere that he could escape and not feel so goddamn _trapped_.

Roxas remembered about the twenty pounds stashed at the bottom of his trousers just as he passed a liquor store. If he already felt numb, what's the harm in drinking the pain away?

If the drink could make him forget about the pain for one night, why not?

x

_Axel_

Roxas downed the rest of the bottle of vodka in his hand, then throwing it in the bush carelessly, before stumbling in the front door of his home. He was greeted by a _very _pissed off Axel. His face softened when he saw Roxas, however, then it turned to disappointment and regret. _He _caused Roxas to feel like this.

Sighing, he walked over to Roxas, his nose scrunched up in disgust.

"How much have you drunk, Rox?" the redhead put his hand on the blonde's shoulder, studying his face. Even though he was trashed out of his mind, his eyes was still filled with sadness, which made him step back instinctively. The damaged he did to the boy... The guilt hanging on his shoulders would never face to what Roxas went though, is _going _through. If he could change what he did, he would do it in a heartbeat. But everyone believed that Sora was dead, and if Roxas found out, he'd never trust him again...

"Hmm.. a bottle." Roxas giggled, almost collapsing as Axel caught him, shaking his head. "Of vodka.. Mmm, you smell nice..." The boy lent into Axel after saying this, taking a rather large smell of the other before sighing happily. Axel just stayed silent, taking a long look at the drunken teen, trying to ignore the close proximity of Roxas to his _area._

"Come on. You need to sleep this off Roxas." He snapped, exhaustion and worry pushing him over the edge. He had spent the last five hours searching for the vulnerable kid, after the outburst in the supermarket, to no avail. If he'd have known he was out getting _drunk.._.

"You're cute when you're angry." Roxas pointed his finger at Axel, almost falling over again but hastily gripping a table. "I don't want to sleep, I'm fineeee." He slurred the last word, before being picked up bridal-style by Axel involuntarily.

"Put me down!" He started to bang on Axel's chest with a weak force. "I wanna.. wanna.." The last words came out as a whisper as Roxas started to doze, snuggling into his chest. Axel rolled his eyes, chucking slightly at the stubborn boy in his arms. If he had to be honest, taking care of Roxas was harder than he thought it was going to be. No matter what he did to try and perk the boy up, Roxas just grew more isolated. They hardly talked anymore, which was something that made the redhead feel a pang of loneliness. The supermarket had been the longest he'd seen Roxas in months...

Axel carefully laid Roxas on his bed, trying not to disturb the boy. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping.. Like all the troubles in his life vanished when he slept. Axel found himself gazing at the blonde, admiring everything about him. The innocence and delicateness of his face, The pink tinge to his lips, the natural rosiness to his cheeks, the hair that fell into place perfectly...

The younger boy of the pair opened his eyes again, a strange look hidden in them. He'd obviously noticed Axel staring at him since he smirked mischievously.

"Do you liiike what you seeee?" Roxas teased, throwing the redhead off guard.

Roxas raised up from the bed slowly, swaying a little, and leaned forward to Axel's level, his blue eyes abruptly face to face with Axel's green, making him suck in a breath. Roxas crashed his lips onto the older boy's, causing him to gasp in surprise. After a few seconds, the redhead found himself kissing back out of desire, not bringing himself to stop and think that the boy was _drunk. _He put his hand lightly onto Roxas' chest, moving so he was laying over him. Roxas' eyes were shut but he was still fiercely kissing Axel, almost sloppily. When Axel managed to break off, panting, he noticed that Roxas had passed out, like nothing had just happened between the two. Pulling a blanket over Roxas, Axel took one last sorrowful glance at Roxas before almost sprinting back to his bedroom and closing the door instantly behind him. He could feel the heat radiating off his cheeks, coursing through his body. _Why the fuck did he keep on kissing Roxas?!_

Axel collapsed on the bed, putting his head face first into his pillow. When did everything become so complicated? The feelings he had, for Roxas, they were nothing new. That was the thing that kept him going when he was inside '_Hollow Bastion'; _his motivation to recover and get out of that shit-hole. Roxas didn't even know he was in there, thought he was on some family trip. See, if Roxas found _that _out, then it would just lead to questions, then the awful truth would get out. Which could _never _happen. Axel had risked way too much for that to happen. It didn't help that Sora was out there somewhere, but he trusted Xion to find him. Then.. he'd sort Sora out. Not that he'd decided _how _yet, but he had a bit of time to decide. Otherwise Roxas would know everything, and it would come from the worst person to tell him. Axel couldn't let that happen- to the boy he'd fallen for ever since they first met, three years before.

Maybe they weren't the same people that they were before- both him and Roxas changed, for the worse really. Not that he was becoming a cold blooded killer, but what _he did... _It haunts him everyday. Axel became more distant; not because he wanted to, but he was afraid of hurting anyone else. The redhead couldn't _bear _to hurt Roxas. Or to lose him. But if everything he did ended up hurting him, then.. Was Roxas being with him really for the best?

He thought that asking Roxas to live with him would've been a good idea, as he didn't really have anyone else to go to. He'd been back in Twilight Town six months before he asked, so of course Roxas was a hesitant. The joy of the redhead couldn't be contained when he said yes- but all the joy in the younger boy had vanished. It hurt Axel, _so bad, _to see Roxas' emotional state disintegrate like it was. He felt so fucking helpless.

Axel fell asleep full of loneliness, the kiss lingering on his lips as he dreamt of death.

_Sora_

The brunette manoeuvred the streets, being careful not to show anybody his face. The incident that happened with Roxas earlier was something that the boy definitely didn't want to happen again- anybody could recognise him and report that the missing child had been found. He knew the moment that he got shot that he couldn't go to the police if he survived it. That would just mean that Axel would know where he was again. So the prick was still out there, nobody having a clue that he tried to kill him. And this time, Sora was certain that he wouldn't leave him alive if he had the chance. Not with what he knew about the fucking _pyromaniac. _Poor Roxas didn't know a thing about his precious Axel. His _fucking brother _didn't know he was living with a _murderer, _and there was nothing that the brunette could do about it. He cursed under his breath, wishing that asshole would get sent down, and for good.

Suddenly a blur of red crashed into him, making him stagger back. A grin broke out on his face as he realised the 'blur' was in fact Kairi, who had launched herself at him and was now wrapped around his torso, legs and all, hugging him tightly.

"I was so worried! You should've called me, shit-for-brains." The redhead lightly punched his arm, giving him a weak smile. He responded by lightly brushing his lips against hers, making her sigh happily. She looked back at him with sad eyes. "You know how much of a risk it is going back there. Did you.. see him?" Kairi asked hopefully, but noticeably disheartening when she saw the brunettes reaction. He slowly put her down on the ground, leading her into a desolate alley.

"What happened?" Kairi pushed a stray bit of hair from his face, looking into his disheartened blue eyes. They looked back with such despair that made her heart clench.

"I was passing by this window, and I saw him, leaning against a trolley. He looked so... _depressed. _And so did Axel.. whenever he looked at Roxas, you could just _tell._" Sora muttered, before shaking his head. "That fucker deserves any guilt and misery he can get." The brunette clenched his fists, making Kairi sigh.

"I know he had no excuse for what he did, but you have no idea what was going through his head when he did it. Not like I'm siding with him.." Kairi trailed off, averting from Sora's gaze, "But... I don't know. If you really believe he is a shitty person, then it's not good Roxas being with Axel..."

"Don't worry. I'll get Roxas. Whatever it takes, I will get my brother back." Sora smiled, feeling a hint of hope. He was he closest he'd been to Roxas in six months... Closer to finally getting him away from _him, _and back with the only fucking family he had left. At_ least _letting him know he was still alive would calm his nerves.

Sora reverted his gaze back to Kairi, who was staring at him with a hint of sadness in her eyes.

"Hey." He cupped her face in his hands, their noses almost touching. "I know you must not like being on the run with me like this; believe me, I hate it. I just want to get Rox, and get out of here, somewhere sunny with beaches that go for miles, like the ones that you love."

"Sora, when I saw a helpless person dying on the street that day, I didn't think twice to help him. I also didn't leave him when he said that he had to leave the next day; I trusted you from the start. There's a reason I came with you that day. So, being on the run with you, its an adventure, and wherever it leads us- I'll be with you every step of the way." Kairi pulled Sora in for a kiss, connecting their lips together as she stood on her tiptoes. Sora snaked his arms around her waist, bringing her hips closer to his as he pressed her up against the wall. He broke of the kiss, trailing small kisses on her cheek, from her ear and down to her neck, which made Kairi slightly moan in pleasure. She placed one hand onto Sora's shoulder and another onto his chest as he continued to leave a trail of kisses down her neck, sending a few shivers of pleasure down his spine.

"Kairi, if you don't stop writhing under me I may have to take you here and now." Sora growled seductively in her ear, making her knees weak.

"Sora.." Kairi tried to giggle, but it came out as a breathless moan. The brunette then pulled away, leaving Kairi whimpering at the loss of heat on her neck.

"Kairi, I'm not going to fuck you in an alleyway. Not for your first time, okay?" Sora lowered his voice at the second part, to which Kairi just reluctantly agreed. She blushed a little at the thought of it but she knew it was probably for the better. "A-alright, what will... we do about the Roxas situation next then?" She asked after calming her breathing.

"Like I said.. I have a couple ideas." He chuckled before picking her up with desire in his eyes. "But right now, I don't want to think about that asshole. I want to think about you, and the way you just make me forget everything and get lost in you." Sora then spun her around, the laughs of the delighted teen spreading into the peaceful night sky.


	3. Tainted Memories

_Roxas_

_Roxas stood in an empty room, people surrounding him. _

_"Did you see who the attacker was?" A voice called out. Roxas shook his head. _

_"It happened in a blur. All I saw was Sora get shot by a person in a hood. There was blood everywhere. Then, Sora told me to run. Before I got shot too. So I left Sora, and the attacker. Then I ran here. I-I didn't think that the attacker would have taken his body..." Roxas burst into tears, pulling himself up into a ball. Voices drifted around him menacingly. _

_"We'll find whoever did this."_

_"We have no evidence!"_

_"What about the blood on the boy?"_

_"We don't even know what the shooter looks like!"_

_"Its hopeless.."_

_Hopeless..._

Roxas snapped open his eyes, the dream- no, memory, leaving him shaking, tears streaming down his face. He had to relive everything, every day. It was like life was becoming hopeless... The hope that they'd find Sora was almost gone. Dead or alive, he was... gone.

Then the headache hit. It felt like a truck had hit his head, _was _hitting his head, over and over again. Every noise seemed to intensify, like the birds chirping outside weren't outside, but in his head, purposely trying to make the headaches worse. Roxas groaned, rolling over onto his side. Every part of his body felt bruised and battered, and he struggled to remember _why._

Wait.. Was this... a hangover?

The blonde had never actually experienced one before, despite turning 18 a few months ago. Sure, he had drunk some alcohol, but obviously not enough to make him feel _this _bad. One thing was for sure, he wasn't going to drink that much. Ever again. Roxas couldn't recall anything from last night; he remembered seeing Axel, but everything else was just a blur. Before the first swig of the foul-tasting vodka he had bought, he remembered everything. They boy sighed, wishing that he had forgotten it all, that the entity of yesterday could've been wiped from his memories. It... looked so much like _him. _

_Enough to make him go bat-shit crazy and probably make Axel worried out of his goddamn mind..._

Roxas muttered in defeat, realising that he should probably go apologise to the redhead. And to go get some pills for the pounding headache that was continually spreading over his head.

After ten gruesome minute of almost passing out, Roxas reached the bottom of the stairs, almost doubling over in pain. Axel was nowhere to be seen, which was going to make things a _whole _lot harder. Roxas managed to fetch a glass of water and down a couple of pills before he blacked out, the glass crashing on the floor next to him.

_x_

A cool, wet towel was placed on Roxas' head, causing him to regain his consciousness. As he slowly opened his eyes, a hazy view of Axel appeared and Roxas groaned. At least his headache was feeling slightly better..

"Axel?.." He murmured, managing to balance himself up on his arms, rubbing his eyes. He realised that he'd been put on the sofa and frowned. "What happened?"

Axel chuckled, taking the towel away from the Roxas' face. "I was peacefully sleeping, when I was interrupted by a certain blonde passing out on the floor. He made a very loud crash, almost gave me a heart attack." He looked at Roxas sadly, standing up and grabbing a fresh glass of water. "How's your hangover?"

"Hurts. Like hell. I cant remember a thing from last night..." Roxas sighed, lying back down on the sofa. Axel visibly stiffened, but Roxas chose to ignore it, out of the fact he _really _didn't want to know what he did in his drunken state the night before. He gladly took the water that Axel had offered and downed it, savouring the cool water as it ran down his throat. "How long was I out?"

"About half an hour. You should probably get some rest Roxie, you look tired." Axel sighed, and Roxas noticed he was looking unusually sad. Roxas knew something must be wrong; when Axel was acting off, something was going on in that messed up head of his.

"I'm fine, but I think I'll go get a shower. My head's really hazy, it might help.." Roxas muttered, slowly making his way to the stairs. He needed to relax with a long, calming shower. He needed to clear his head a little, really. His leg hurt a bit, probably when he fell, but he managed to get to the shower without falling over, luckily.

Stepping in and turning it on, he sighed happily when the heat hit his overworked body. It might have been a little too hot, but it didn't bother the blonde as he just seemed too content to notice.

He took a glance at his arms, sighing at the mess. The cuts along them were jagged, some deeper than others, and a few overlapping at some points. Axel hadn't brought up anything about his arms, so he must have not seen; thank god for Roxas' overabundance of sweaters.

It's not like he enjoyed _doing _it, and it brought along quite a bit of shame, having to hide them constantly. It had started years ago, he couldn't even remember why he did it. All he knew that when he did, the relief shocked him. Almost as if the pain was punishment for being who he was. He often thought that it should've been him instead of Sora, that his brother was more intelligent, better than him at _everything. _Everyone loved Sora; he became popular quickly, while Roxas was the loner. Everyone commented on how weird it was that they were almost opposites, but looked the exact same, apart from their hair. Roxas didn't really have any friends before Axel, while Sora was always surrounded by adoring friends, which sometimes made Roxas jealous. But behind closed doors, Sora and Roxas were inseparable. It was more the blonde's choice that they didn't hang out in school, because he didn't tend to like being around a lot of people. He felt awkward, to be honest. When it was just them, though, they would tell each other everything. When their parents had died, Sora and Roxas had turned fifteen a few months previous, so they had to go live with their aunt who lived in Twilight Town with them. Sora was so strong, comforting Roxas every night. When the brunette found out his twin brother was self harming, it took a lot of coaxing, crying and comforting but Roxas eventually stopped.

A week or two after the deaths, Axel had broke the news to Roxas that his family was moving, as his dad had a job opportunity that he couldn't refuse. Heartbroken that he'd never see his best friend again, he watched him go, feeling completely alone. That night, Sora and Roxas ate takeout and stayed up all night playing video games, which was Roxas' way of being comforted. He missed them days... The last real family he had was Sora. But when he lost him..

Roxas put his head against the shower wall, feeling the hot water scalding his back. It _was _his fault. He knew it was.

His life seemed to be getting better again after the twin's seventeenth birthday- they moved out, got a small place that they could finally call home. They both got part time jobs, and then a few months later, Axel came back. Apparently, since Axel had turned eighteen recently, they let him move out- and he chose to come back home. To him, Italy was crap, and too hot for his _tastes. _Roxas couldn't contain his joy, but Sora often voiced how suspicious it was. The blonde found his suspicion strange, but he reassured him that he was just happy his best friend was back.

And then..

One day, they were walking to Axel's, about three months later...

When, out of nowhere...

Sora was shot...

The rest felt like a dream, so surreal. His brother's panicked face, blood everywhere... The questioning was the worst. He had to relive every single moment, even though he did really know what happened himself. Hours of them asking if he saw the face of the shooter. All he knew was that the guy was tall, and wore a black hoodie. Wasn't really much help in their eyes.

To this day, six months after Sora died, they still haven't found the body.

Roxas turned his back against the cold shower wall and shrunk down, wrapping his arms around his legs. His tears mixed with the water as they both trickled down the drain. He knew that crying wouldn't bring his brother back- nothing would, but he felt hopeless. Roxas had nothing in his life _to _be happy about. The boy could get a job, but they're so scarce nowadays.. There's no point when he'd probably get fired anyway, for moping or not working hard enough.

_He was hopeless._

Glancing up, a small piece of lifeless metal caught his eye. It almost called out to him, promising to temporarily relieve him. Sad, how a little bit of metal could do that much.

Staggering a little, he reached up and grabbed the blade, holding it in the centre of his palm. It shone slightly, the small rays of sunlight coming through the bathroom window bouncing off of it. Roxas wished he'd never started doing this, entrusting his happiness in a blade- but now that he started, he couldn't stop.

Starting at his upper arm, the blonde lightly dragged the blade across his skin, unflinching as a small trickle of blood ran down it. The next cut was a little deeper, allowing more blood to flow out- it silently dripped on the floor, turning light pink before flowing down the drain with the water. The blonde made a few more, almost coating his shoulder and arm in blood, before moving to his inner arm, and wrist.

His hand hovered above his wrist, the blade millimetres away from touching the skin. Hot, fresh tears ran down his face, as his face was screwed up in mental, and physical pain.

"Why can't I just do it deep and end it all.." He whispered, creating a few long, deep cuts along his forearm. Not enough to kill him; just enough to numb him momentarily. Which is all he needed. He silenced himself as he dragged the blade across his wrist yet again, smiling at the crimson blood that was dripping down into the shower drain, tainting the clear water with pain. It didn't faze him, the amount of blood; he was used to it.  
>The sense of feeling a little better had to come with some price.<p>

Roxas steadied himself and made a few more, digging the blade in a little deeper each time. He needed to feel more pain, needed to feel something other than hurt. The relief seemed to fill him fuller with each one, the demons growing quieter with every drop of blood that escaped his body. The splitting of skin filled the blonde with a strange satisfaction that he couldn't begin to explain how stupidly happy it made him. The blood trickled down slowly, and he watched as thick, red droplets fell onto the shower floor. The blood kept flowing, and the more he made, the more happier, the more free he felt. It gave Roxas a stupid rush, making him happy and regretful at the same time.

Sinking to the floor, Roxas rested his head into his sore arms. The boy hardly noticed the scalding water burning his skin, the stinging of the fresh cuts was fading by the second. He knew the temptation would come again shortly; it'd only be a short time before the darkness claimed him again. Roxas went through this same painful cycle every day; it first began with the thoughts. Then temptations.

Dropping the blade, it clattered to the floor, blood washing off of the metal, erasing any evidence of what just happened, apart from his scarred arm. Roxas was shaking, his eyes closed as he tried to calm down. He put his head in his hands, the blood slowly tricking into his hair. The tears were still falling at a steady rate; he felt weak, that he couldn't even put up the courage to end his life with a stupid blade.

After a while of mulling over his thoughts, Roxas washed his stained hair and damaged arm, being careful not to press too tightly or make the wounds bigger. Stepping out of the shower, he dried himself off and re-hid the blade again. Grabbing a bandage, he slowly applied it to his wrist and arm, as not to cause any further bleeding.

After he was finished, Roxas looked at himself in the mirror, and almost recoiled; he looked close to the brink of death. His once shining blue eyes had dulled, showing no trace of happiness. The dark bags under them were starting to turn faint purple, like bruises. His cheekbones seemed to be higher, probably out of loosing weight. His lips were dry and chapped, and even his hair colour looked dull. All of the bones on his body stood out, and Roxas had to look away in disgust. The blonde hated the way he had become. He was slowly destroying himself, and he couldn't stop. He knew he needed help.. he just..

_He was hopeless._

x

_Sora_

_"Axel invited us round his tonight, can we go please?" _

_Roxas was currently sitting on the sofa, with his hands clasped together begging the brunette. Sora sighed, crossing his arms._

_"And why do you have to bring me along? You know that I find him.. sketchy." Sora looked away, frowning. A couple days before, he'd found out something about the redhead. How he wasn't really in Italy. Italy my ass. Really, he was in Hallow-fucking-Bastion._

_The psychiatric hospital._

_He'd had yet to question Axel about it, and he didn't want to create an outburst, or tell Roxas. But if he really had done what Sora suspected... Roxas would never forgive him._

_Bringing his attention back to the blonde eagerly smiling in front of him, he caved._

_"Fine. Just try not to be all lovesick around me, please?" Sora smirked, causing a blush to creep across the blonde's light skin. It was plain to see that the two liked each other- maybe even more than a little childhood crush. Roxas' eyes always lit up whenever he saw Axel, and the redhead was smitten. When Sora had first met Axel nearly four years ago, when they were still in school, Axel was a complete whore. Chatting up anybody he saw. But a while before he left, when he had known Roxas for about a year, he'd changed- he seemed to only have eyes for Roxas. It didn't faze Sora that his brother was gay, not at all.. Before his friend Riku moved away, he was in a relationship with a guy named Terra, so he didn't mind. It was quite sweet actually, but he still couldn't get what he knew out of his mind. Whenever he saw Axel, all he saw was... someone that should be in jail, not around his brother. _

_"I- we- I'M NOT LOVESICK!" Roxas blushed harder, frowning at Sora. Sora just laughed at Roxas, sitting down on the empty chair. _

_"So, when are we going to your boyfriend's?" _

_"SORA!"_

_x_

_An hour later, Roxas was muttering at the mirror in his bedroom, re-doing his hair for the seventh time. Sora chuckled, sorting out a few stray strands. _

_"Roxas, you look fine. If you take any longer, we're going to be late." Sora reminded him, walking to the door. Their two bedroom bungalow was cozy, but him and his brother was glad for their freedom. Being with their aunt was hell. Luckily, the bungalow became free and with all of their savings, they paid the deposit and got a mortgage. Only just turning eighteen, it was hard for them to get jobs that paid for all of the bills, but they didn't mind working harder. It was worth it, really. Ever since their parents, it was hard for the two. When Sora had found out Roxas was self-harming, he was devastated. He managed to help Roxas, though, and months down the line his brother hadn't gone into old habits. Sora was proud of his brother more than he wished to admit sometimes. They stuck together, through thick and thin._

_"Fine.." Roxas sulked, following Sora out the door. The chilly winter air hit them at an instant, making them shiver. _

_"Sora, it's snowing!" Roxas exclaimed happily, pointing at the sky. It was, in fact, snowing heavily, thick flakes beginning to settle on the ground._

_"Lets get to Axel's before we freeze our asses off." Sora wrapped his arms around himself, shivering heavily. It was a couple minute walk to Axel's house, luckily, as neither of the two could drive. _

_Roxas did the same, smiling like a child as snowflakes started to fall in his hair. There was nobody around, and it seemed a little too quiet for Sora's tastes. _

_As they cornered into a small alleyway, a figure stopped in front of them, but Sora couldn't make it out who it was, since the light was dim. Since the alley was so narrow, the figure had blocked the path, and Sora stepped back instinctively. _

_"Are you going to move, or-" Sora was cut off by a loud gunshot, and piercing pain shot through his arm. He screamed out, gritting his teeth together. The figure started to move, and as he glanced up he could see a mass of red hair, underneath a hood._

_Axel._

_"Roxas.." Sora managed to gasp out, seeing a large amount of blood on the snowy ground. That fucker must have hit an artery or a vein or something in his arm, because he was losing blood, and fast. "You need... to run. He may- he may come back. Please. Just run. I'm... I might be done for."_

_Sora looked up at Roxas' face, tears streaming down both of their cheeks and falling into the snow. Roxas tried to protest, but the brunette cut him off._

_"GO, ROXAS. I couldn't risk something happening to you." Sora growled, his head starting to spin. Axel... must've found out that he knew. That fucker. So everything was true._

_Roxas nodded, standing up before looking around. _

_"He may be back any minute, just run, please Roxas. I love you." Sora cried out as he started to dip in and out of consciousness__. _

_"I love you too, Sora. I wont let whoever did this get free, I promise... I'm not going to let you die, Sora... I'll go get an a-ambulance..." Roxas sobbed, as he turned and ran. Within a few seconds, he was gone, and Sora was starting to lose feeling in his arm. It'd be all over soon..._

_"Are you- oh my god.." _

_Sora looked up and saw a halo of dark red hair and bright blue eyes before blacking out._

The brunette shot up, panting. When he realised where he was, he noticed Kairi was next to him, a worried look plastered across her exhausted face.

"Sora?" She whispered, rubbing his back. They'd gone back to Kairi's flat for the night, since they were both too drained to sleep in an alleyway again. Her room was the exact same as it had been that night- he sighed sadly, holding up a hand to his arm unconsciously.

"I- bad dream. I'm alright now." Sora laid back down, pulling the redhead in for an embrace. She leant into his chest, pulling the blanket back up over them.

"Are you sure?" Kairi's concerned gaze met his, and he kissed her nose lightly.

"Mhm... now that you're here, in fine. It just.. being right next to the alley, it's bringing back unwanted memories." His gaze hardened, his mind returning back to the distant past.

"I understand that it must be hard... I'm here for you, okay?" Kairi smiled, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep again.

"I love you." Sora spoke to the sleeping girl next to him, closing his eyes slowly, and returned back to the unwanted dream soon after.

_"H-Hello?" A timid voice spoke quietly, and the brunette opened his eyes. He seemed to be in a room, that was illuminated with a faint light. The walls were a dusty purple colour, and filled with pictures and mementos. Sitting across from him was a wide-eyed girl, that looked to be the age of seventeen. She had long brown hair, that was tinted slightly red. Her lips were a soft rosy colour, and her eyes a deep blue. The girl looked at Sora with curiosity, but also fear, and seemed to cautiously keep her distance. When Sora tried to move, a sharp pain radiated up his arm, causing him to whimper. The last moments he had before he blacked out rushed to him, and he clenched his fists._

_"You shouldn't be moving that arm too much... You were just lucky my mum's a nurse. She taught me everything I used to keep you alive." The girl scolded, moving slightly closer to Sora. "You don't recognise me, do you?" _

_"No? Should I?" Sora stuttered, studying the redhead. Her face was a little familiar, but he couldn't think of who it was..._

_"Kairi? Middle school?" After seeing his still-vacant expression, she laughed loudly. "You're still as much as a dimwit as you were before!" _

_The brunette sat up, despite the throbbing pain. Kairi was still laughing, and began to open her mouth to speak. Before she could say anything, however, a panicked expression formed on Sora's face. _

_"I can't stay here. He knows I know.. He wont stop until I'm dead, Kairi. I need to leave." Sora rushed out, his eyes wide. Kairi looked like she was thinking for a moment, then she came and sat next to Sora._

_"Not without me, you're not. Especially not when you've just been shot!" She gestured to his arm, then stood up. Sora was watching her with a confused expression, trying to find the right words to say._

_"You.. What?" _

_"I haven't seen you in years, that's true, but I do know you, stupid. And I know you're a decent person... Plus, I cant let you go alone." She shook her head, taking his hand in her own. "If somebody wants to fucking kill you, then they're not going to leave you alone just like that. You're gonna need somebody with you, at least." _

_"Kairi... __why are you so insistent? You'll be leaving.. everything behind.. for me? Why?" Sora sighed, lying back down. He was still really tired, and could feel himself falling asleep involuntarily._

_"Because, we we're best friends once. You saved me, and I want to repay the favour." _

_Kairi's sweet voice was the last thing Sora heard before slipping away, dreaming of a young brunette and redhead playing happily near the sea._


	4. Distractions

_Roxas_

Roxas was sitting quietly at the table in the kitchen when Axel entered, holding a cup of tea and staring out the window at the unmoving trees outside. He was lost in thought, only noticing that Axel had come downstairs when his name cut through the air. The blonde smiled at him when he clocked him, while the redhead seemed to be baffled that the boy was up.

"Why are... you... has somebody kidnapped Roxas? Or possessed him?" Axel grinned, crossing his arms over his bare chest. "Any reason why you're actually up and not looking and acting dead?"

"Because I felt like it." Roxas shrugged, sipping his cup of tea. Axel shook his head, the red spikes bouncing everywhere. It was a mystery how they'd stay perfect after a night's sleep. Even more of a mystery how he got the red colour naturally. It was the brightest and deepest red that could probably be imagined.

"I don't get you sometimes, Rox." He put his head into his hands, laughing. "I haven't seen you willingly out of bed since-"

"I know." Roxas interrupted, and Axel sighed, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "I just felt like getting up today, that's all."

Axel muttered something inaudible and walked over to the kitchen, probably to prepare breakfast. Out of the corner of his eye Roxas could see Axel smiling, which made him smile a little too, feeling like maybe today could be a _better _day. He still felt a dark cloud over his head, but it had stopped hailing, and was now raining softly. That was the best way he found he could describe his emotions; weather expressed things he couldn't. It didn't make much sense to anyone, but it did to him.

The redhead obviously wasn't expecting the blonde to be up and awake- he was only wearing a pair of loose, baggy trousers, leaving his torso bare. Roxas blushed slightly at this- It was more toned than he ever remembered from school, although Axel was always fit, he sported more muscle now. A new addition was the tight abs that ran up Axel's stomach, and the blonde wondered how much time in the gym did he actually spend to get them to be so _toned. _A whole lot different to Roxas' flat stomach. Roxas' gaze flicked up to Axel's arms, which had a hint of muscle, but not too much- he actually looked _good. _Like some sort of model..

Roxas quickly looked away before Axel could notice him staring, and luckily Axel had started to cook breakfast so he probably hadn't noticed. Roxas stood up, awkwardly clearing his throat.

"I'm going to go freshen up." he mumbled, realising he probably needed to change the bandages on his arm. He could feel them start to soak through, which must have meant they were deeper than he thought. If they _had _soaked through- well, he didn't want to risk Axel seeing them. Axel just hummed in response, leaving him to quickly hurry upstairs.

Slightly closing the bathroom door, the blonde sighed, pulling his long-sleeved top over his head. Underneath was a thin black t-shirt, hugging his body awkwardly. Compared to Axel, he was a short, skimpy kid. An _ugly, drained _short skimpy kid. Though he really was anything from fat- he had lost a considerable amount of weight, leaving his ribs sticking out awkwardly.

Slowly taking off the soaked-through bandages, he turned the tap on full, watching as the blood from his arm turned the water to a pale rose colour. They stung a little when he washed them, but he ignored that as he started to feel a little lightheaded. '_How much blood have I lost?' _he thought, closing his eyes. Roxas had almost fainted from blood loss, once, but he convinced the redhead that it was just because he hadn't eaten. The blonde put his head in his hands, resting his elbows on the sink. He wanted to tell Axel, he really did, but who knows how he'd react?

"Rox?..." A watery, unmistakeable voice called from behind him, and he almost fell over, gripping the side of the sink for support.

Which, unfortunately, did nothing for hiding his arm, as the bloody cuts were on full show for Axel to see.

Roxas barely had time to face Axel and say anything in response before he was grabbed by the wrists and pinned to the wall, leaving him screaming and crying in pain. He could feel that the cuts had re-opened, tightly closing his eyes in both fear and pain. He could feel Axel's hot breath on his face, joining the burning heat coming from his arms; but his legs felt cold and weak, and he could barely feel them shaking, but he knew the rest of his body was.

When he reopened his eyes, Axel's eyes were staring at his, a mixture of despair and rage contained in them. He didn't know which one was stronger, however, and how Axel would react.

When tears began falling faster out of his eyes, Roxas gasped in shock. Not once did Axel's eyes move from his, which was just making him feel more guilty, and the tears came heavier. Roxas could feel Axel grasp his wrists tighter against the wall, and saw a few trickles of blood run down his arm slowly. When he looked back at Axel, he recoiled instinctively. His eyes looked like they were on _fire _because he was so mad.

"Why?" Axel growled, not moving from towering over the blonde. While Roxas was a good five foot six, Axel was around six foot, which gave him a massive advantage in standing over the blonde. Roxas swallowed, unable to speak. He couldn't find the words, didn't know what to do apart from stand there and wonder what Axel was going to do next.

"Why the _fuck _would you do _this _to yourself?" He spat the last word, glaring at the blonde with such an intensity that Roxas instinctively looked away. Axel slightly lessened his grip, maybe he finally sensed the blood, Roxas didn't know, but he didn't make an effort to try to escape. He just looked at Axel with defeat, which made the redhead visibly soften a little.

The moment Roxas picked up his head and faced Axel again, his lips were crushed by Axel's, making his gasp and stiffen. It took him a few seconds to realise that the redhead was _actually _pressing his lips against his, and when he didn't respond to Axel's kissing, the other male began to trail light kisses down his neck, making Roxas unconsciously moan. The way Axel was ferociously kissing his throat made his head spin, he couldn't think clearly, his only thought of what Axel was doing, and how _good _it felt. His mind felt lost in a haze but he savoured it.

When the redhead returned his lips to Roxas' mouth again, the blonde was more than eager to reciprocate, Axel's lips soft against his, but with an intense heat which made Roxas feel like he was on fire with desire. He closed his eyes, pushing his body slightly towards Axel, savouring the feel of Axel's lips against his own. Axel released Roxas' wrists, continuing kissing him fiercely but still taking care, like he was something that had to be treated with caution. Roxas wrapped his sore arms around Axel's neck, ignoring the fact he was probably dripping blood on Axel's shirt. The older boy's hands never stopped roaming Roxas' body, moving through his hair, down his waist and to his neck, finally being able to be close to the boy after so many months of wanting, even if it was just to hold him, comfort him. Axel finally settled his hands on the sides of Roxas' face, unwillingly pulling his face away to stare at the panting blonde.

Roxas whimpered at the sudden loss of contact, opening his eyes to see Axel's emerald eyes staring at him with lust. He just stared at Axel, and Axel stared back, silence wavering between them, but nothing needed to be said. When the blonde's breathing had calmed, Axel pulled away and moved to turn on the shower.

"Come on, lets get you cleaned up." He said sadly, eyeing Roxas' arms. Flinching, Roxas made an attempt to conceal his arms with his chest, and Axel sighed in response.

"It's not like I'm going to rape you in the shower, Roxas. Please." Axel extended his hand, and Roxas reluctantly took it, and was unexpectedly pulled into an embrace. Axel moved Roxas so he was sitting on his lap, and began to wash the blonde's stained arms, to which made Roxas' eyes well up. The boy felt drained and tired, and most of all confused, confused that Axel was _so angry,_ but then he _kissed him, _and now he was being so kind and gentle- Roxas just didn't know what to think.

The shower was continually falling on the two, but the blonde didn't mind, staying silent. He was mulling over what just happened when the redhead brought a hand up to his face, wiping away a few stray tears.

"Hey. Don't cry." The redhead weakly smiled, pulling the boy closer. Roxas rested his head on the crook of Axel's neck, smelling the comforting, familiar scent that came naturally to the older boy. Axel began stroking Roxas' dripping wet hair, resting his chin on the top of Roxas' head.

"It hurts me to see you do this to yourself, Roxy. I don't want to lose you." He murmured, sighing softly. "Try to stop this... please. I know it'll be hard, but... please..."

After a few seconds, Roxas lifted his head to meet Axel's pain-filled eyes, and nodded slowly. "O-okay."

Axel kissed Roxas softly on the forehead, moving down to the crook of his nose, then the end of his nose, and finishing by kissing his lips in a deep, passionate kiss.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this." Axel laughed, looking down at Roxas. The boy just hummed in response, feeling to content to do anything else. Before long, he felt his consciousness slipping, and fell into a deep, happy sleep, free of any blood or torment.

_x_

Roxas woke up later that evening, noticing it was still light by the bright sunlight streaming through the small gap in the curtains. The blonde frowned, realising that he was dry, despite falling asleep in the shower. He sat up slowly, staring down at his arms cautiously. They were neatly bandaged, and showed no signs of leaking through- Axel must have bandaged them up when he'd fallen asleep. The light pressure on his legs indicated that they'd been bandaged up too, he didn't even have to check to know that. A light blush crept up his face when he realised that the redhead must have _undressed _him out of his wet clothes- which escalated into a full-blown ruby-red blush, as he remembered the _kiss._

It was a good kiss, no doubt about that. The blonde laid back down, staring up at the blank, white ceiling. A million thoughts was racing around Roxas' head, making it hard to think. It _seemed _like a passionate, _real _kiss, but that's the thing about _seemed-_ what if Axel was just doing it to calm him down? Obviously he would have noticed the tears...

Did Axel _really_ like him?

The blonde groaned, pulling a pillow over his face. One minute he was angry at him, looking fucking _murderous, _then the next.. he was kissing him, in probably the best kiss he'd ever had. Granted, the only other one he'd had was an awkward middle school girl, who had a crush from him. It was around that time he was questioning his sexuality- and that kiss, well, it put him off girls. He'd never been attracted to a girl in his life, and he knew that he should, but even in his teenage, hormonal years, he wasn't thinking about girls.

_No, he was thinking about a certain cocky redhead..._

Roxas sighed, closing his eyes. A few months before Axel left, he had started to develop feelings for him. He was quiet about it though- he was good at hiding things, and that came in handy around that time. Roxas was _devastated _when Axel left. When he came back, however, almost the same Axel he'd always been; the feelings rushed back at Roxas, full force. Being older, having turned seventeen a few months before, the blonde dealt with it better, but Axel always knew a way to make the tell-tale blush appear, mainly with inappropriate quirks, and Roxas could feel himself getting closer to Axel. But then the whole incident with Sora happened, and little crushes was the last thing on his mind. He closed up, he knew it, and he didn't care. About anything. The little nicknames left. The cheek-strokes stopped. The way he could make _anything _he said flirty- It lost its appeal. Of course he missed the maybe-a-little-bit-more-than-friendship, but it was really Axel's personality- even before, Axel may have never liked him as more than a friend. His whole being consisted with his cockiness, and just him being a downright flirt.

Everything became grey after that.

But now.. There's a little red, making the grey seem not so bad.

_x_

After a couple hours of thinking, and _re-thinking, _Roxas decided to go downstairs and face Axel. If he acted like nothing happened, then Roxas would too. _Just like all the other months of hiding feelings._

When he came downstairs, it was empty. It was a little strange to be downstairs after so many weeks of being reclusive, barely getting out of bed, apart from eating and showering. Taking a look around at the familiar surroundings, he walked into the kitchen. They had an open plan living room, with a fifty-inch television and a sofa, which led into a kitchen with a small table. It was pretty spacious, but also meant he didn't have to walk far to get food. Roxas never really used it to his benefit, but all that had to change, really. The blonde was fed up of being stuck in his room, wasting the day. Even if he wasted his days in front of the television; well, at least he was taking his mind off things.

Walking over to the fridge and grabbing a can of coke and a big bag of crisps, Roxas jumped and laid across the sofa, flicking through a few channels before he found something familiar.

About eight months ago, he had really started to become obsessed with a show called _American Horror Story, _watching it in most if his free time. He was in the middle of _Coven _before he... stopped, and was eager to re-watch his favourite series. It was showing a marathon of _Murder House, _which Roxas happily engrossed himself in, not noticing the day pass along.

When Axel came through the door, Roxas was in his third episode, watching the scene when Tate and Violet are on the beach in _Halloween. _The blonde noticed it was dark outside and eyed the redhead curiously. Axel didn't seem to realise Roxas was there straightaway, appearing to be in deep thought. When he did notice him, however, he seemed more than shocked. His eyes moved down to Roxas' bandages, then back up to his face, not saying a word.

"Did I turn irresistible when you left? Because you really can't seem to take your eyes off me." Roxas drawled, before turning his head, continuing to watch the programme again. Axel just sighed, putting the plastic bags he was carrying on the side. He sat down next to Roxas on the sofa, making him sit up and look away.

"Roxas. We need to talk." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. Roxas just ignored him, trying to listen to what Tate was currently saying. The words swam though, and he couldn't concentrate; his blood was pounding in his ears, and pleaded that Axel wouldn't bring _this _up _now._

"_Why?" _He frowned, echoing his words earlier. His voice now, however, was not laced with venom like it was previously.

Axel reached out to touch his arm comfortingly, but Roxas flinched, slightly moving backwards. He subconsciously held his wrist, to which Axel sat back back in horror.

"Oh god, Roxas, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean..." He ran his fingers through is unruly hair, obviously exasperated. "I-I never meant to hurt you, Roxas. I would never, I was just angry, angry at myself that you were in so much pain." Roxas kept his gaze locked on the redhead, slightly shocked. "You don't know how much you mean to me.." He laughed slightly, looking away. "I overreacted, Rox. Please, just... Tell me why.." Axel pleaded, his emerald eyes staring into Roxas'.

"How can I tell you _why _when I don't really know the answer to that myself, Axel?" He started, and laughed when he saw Axel frowning. "How can I explain how I _feel _when you'll never understand? This is my method of _coping, Axel." _Roxas put his head in his hands, taking in a deep breath.

"I can't be bothered with this shit. I - I don't need your help... I'm perfectly happy fucking destroying myself into oblivion. Anything to fucking end all of this." He stood up, pointing at his head. "I just - I can't anymore, Axel.." Unwelcome tears pooled into his eyes, and he wiped his eyes hastily using the back of his hand. He heard shuffling behind him and was embraced comfortingly from behind by Axel. Roxas blinked a couple of times, unable to hold back the tears as they started to spill down his cheeks. Axel stayed silent, keeping his arms locked around the blonde as he bawled his emotions out.

Turning around, Roxas buried his face into Axel's chest, letting out sobs of frustration and it felt _good. _Axel didn't seem to mind that his t-shirt was staring to get wet, or at least he didn't say anything, as they both stood there in silence, the only sound in room was that of Roxas' heaving sobs. After what seemed like an eternity, Roxas' wail's started to ease off, and he pulled away from Axel, wiping his eyes.

"I'm sorry.." Roxas murmured, looking away. Axel didn't speak a word, sitting himself down on the sofa and looking up sadly at the blonde.

"... I just want to know why, Roxie." Axel said after a moment's pause, his face seeming slightly strained. The blonde put his head in his hands, sighing deeply. This was the whole reason he _never _wanted anybody to know. It obviously was hurting Axel, and all he wanted to know was _why.. _

The boy sat down, holding the redhead's gaze. "You want to know why I do it?" Axel nodded with his watery eyes, waiting for Roxas to continue.

Roxas opened his mouth and closed it again, trying to find the right words to use, and the right thing to say... With Sora, he didn't press Roxas to explain. Roxas knew Axel most probably didn't know what to think, so he was probably entitled to even a brief explanation..

"I know.. Its not a healthy way for me to... get relief. That's what doing it does; give me relief, and a temporary sense of control. Thoughts in my head.. They just build up, and I just feel like I have less and less control over how I feel, and self harm- it takes some of it away, like spilling out all of my emotions so I have a better control over them. The more I do it, and deeper, I guess I feel more numb; and when I feel like shit all the fucking time, the best option _is_ to feel numb."

"Rox.."

"It gives me a temporary distraction. I know its not a good way to do it, but I'll tell you the exact same thing I told Sora.  
>It's so <em>fucking <em>hard to stop, and I really don't think I'll be able to." Roxas sighed, looking at a blank spot on the floor. He _hated _talking about his emotions. It made those _exact _emotions resurface, and right now Roxas really didn't want to become a bawling mess in front of Axel. Especially since he didn't know how he and Axel stood, but he did know that he felt something for him, and _didn't _want to embarrass himself...

"I'm here for you, Roxas..." Roxas cut him off, looking back at Axel's troubled face.

"Maybe I have you, but I don't have Sora.  
>Not anymore.." A single tear slipped out of Roxas' eye, and he looked down at his hands sadly. Axel was unusually silent, staring at Roxas with an expression mirroring the blonde's. They both sat like that, Roxas avoiding his gaze in silence. He fiddled with his fingers a little, feeling rather awkward. Roxas should've just stayed upstairs...<p>

"It'd be nice, just to hear his voice again, you know? Jumping around the apartment, cracking jokes... I wouldn't be like this if he was still-" Roxas was cut off mid-sentence by a warm pair of lips pressing against his, but unlike yesterday, this kiss was filled with desperation. That fact slipped his mind, however, when Axel shifted himself so he was straddling the blonde, and began weaving his hands through Roxas' hair. He moved down to Roxas' throat, and Roxas inhaled a sharp breath when Axel began biting and sucking, soft mewls escaping from his throat when Axel started to nibble softly on his neck. Roxas slightly tilted his head to the side, giving the redhead more room to freely do whatever he wanted with his neck. Roxas moved his hands up Axel's top, feeling his well-built torso before feeling Axel groan while attending to his neck. Axel began to become a little rougher on the blonde's neck, as the urges to go further began to kick in. Roxas felt this too, as he began to melt under Axel's touch. His mind felt hazy, and although he knew Axel probably kissed him as a device to console him, he was filled with pleasure and didn't care, not at this moment anyway.

"I definitly prefer _this _distraction.." Roxas said, slightly breathlessly, and heard a slight chuckle coming from Axel.

"You should come out of your room more often then." Axel's breath tickled against Roxas neck, causing him to moan again.

Axel broke away from the blonde's reddened neck and pulled his top over his ruffled hair, his hands exploring all over Roxas' malnourished body. Roxas closed his eyes, savouring the touch, and gasped loudly when Axel ran his tongue over his nipple and sucked softly. Axel brought his lips to Roxas' again, kissing more passionately this time, moving his tongue to enter Roxas' mouth fully and kissed him demandingly, Roxas feeling his pleasure build up with each kiss. The redhead broke off the kiss again, the pair panting loudly, before attending to Roxas' body again. This caused Roxas to moan out a bit louder. his own hands now weaving through Axel's hair, gripping onto it as he arched his back against the sofa. He felt _good _and the redhead had barely done anything.

Axel gritted his teeth together as he pondered going further with the blonde, and grabbed onto the waistband of Roxas' trousers before looking up at him expectantly, his beady green eyes was filled with desire and lust, asking if he could have what he wanted. However, for a few seconds Roxas came to his senses and shook his head. Obviously he _wanted _Axel, but he wasn't ready for _that._

Axel looked slightly dejected before nodding and falling back next to Roxas, both of the panting breathlessly with flushed faces. Roxas had his eyes closed but he could sense Axel's eyes was staring at him, and he smiled slightly.

"Can you stop staring?" He said between breaths, "I'm sure my face is as red as a fucking tomato right now."

"It's cute, Roxie."

"Am I ever going to be able to get you to stop calling me that?"

"Not until you stop being cute, _Roxieeee."_


End file.
